Projected 2012 Mets Injury Report

4-3-12 – The Mets broke camp and headed north in a special hermetically sealed bus in which pure oxygen is fed from special cylinders places on the top of the bus. All of the players automobiles have been shipped separately at the team’s expense.

These drastic measures were taken after a series of injuries beset a team that seems destined to never having all their eggs in the same basket.

It all began on March 2^nd when a series of what seemed like minor injuries fell on OF Scott Hairston, 3B David Wright, and 1B Ike Davis.

Hairston strained the same left oblique that put him down last season, Wright felt some soreness around his ribcage, an Davis’ results of his chest x-ray showed a possible diagnosis of “Valley Fever”. As we have come to learn, all three developed into season-ending results (replacements were Vinnie Rottino, Daniel Murphy to third base, Justin Turner to second base, Josh Satin to UT and Val Pasccuci to first base).

This was quickly followed by:

      RF Lucas Duda forgot he was playing on the field with the same new dimensions as CitiField and ran full speed into the wall attempting to catch a ball (he was replaced by Mike Baxter and Adam Loewen was added as backup).

      C Josh Thole fell off a bar stool while being interviewed on SNY at Duffy’s Sports Bar and Grill (Mike Nickeas replaced Thole and Rob Johnson backed up Nickeas). P Jon Niese ruptured a disc helping Thole to his car and was replaced in the rotation by Miguel Batista, but Batista was declared ineligible when it was determined that he was really 78-years old and his real name was Nancy Braunstein (replaced by Chris Schwinden).

      SP Johan Santana’s attempt to be ready by opening day was derailed when he developed hamstring problems after tripping on his wallet (replaced by Collin McHugh). McHugh quickly followed with a diagnosis of arthritis in his pitching hand that was determined to have developed from writing too much on his blog (replaced by Dylan Owen).

      SP R.A. Dickey was diagnosed with Eastern Equine Encephalitis (also known as Triple E), which doctors feel was contracted after a mosquito bite while climbing Mount Kilimanjaro (replaced by Jeremy Hefner).

      2B Justin Turner developed Bell’s Palsy which created a permanent smile on his face (replaced by Josh Satin, who was replaced by Edgar Alfonzo). It took officials three weeks to determine there was anything different with his demeanor.

Jay Horvitz, VP of Media Relations, was unavailable for comment before the bus left. He was refused a media pass to board the bus by medical personal who determined he might be counterproductive to the health of the remaining players on the team.