Reese Kaplan -- A GM Interview with the Wilpons

"Good morning, Mr. Wilpon and Mr. Wilpon.  How are you today?"

“Call me Fred,” says the elder Wilpon

“Call me ‘Sir’,” says Jeff.

“Um, yes, Sir.”

“So," says Fred, "tell us what makes you think you’re right for the job?”

“Well, I have over 20 years of formal sports management experience, with a history of increasing responsibility from year to year.  I have a Master of Science in Sports Management from right here in New York’s Columbia University.  I also have advanced certification in data analytics and….”

“Wait right there, young man,” Fred interrupts.  “Columbia University is pretty pricey.  How did you manage to swing that?”

“Well, Fred, my previous employer had a generous tuition reimbursement benefit for employees that wanted to further their professional development through formal academic education that was pertinent to their jobs.”

“That’s the difference between us and them,” says Jeff.  “We hire people who already know what they’re doing.  We’re not here to provide on-the-job training.  That stuff costs money!”

“No worries, Sir.  I already have completed my formal education and now look to apply what I’ve learned for the betterment of the New York Mets organization.”

“That’s better, then,” replies Jeff.  “So tell us about your philosophy of building a ballclub.”

“Sir, that’s a seemingly simple question with a complex answer.  There are many avenues to pursue, including drafting, both domestically and internationally, player development, free agency, trades, the waiver wire, the Rule V draft…and then there’s instilling a winning attitude, letting everyone know that winning is the ultimate goal.”

“Do you think you’re still on the sandlot, Sonny?” asks Fred incredulously.  “You do know we’re running a business here, right?  Didn't they teach you about profits and losses at that fancy Ivy League school?”

“Of course, Fred.  But studies have shown a strong correlation between spending and winning.  Other studies corroborate that winning results in higher revenues, not only at the gate but also in advertising revenues for broadcasts, signage in the stadium and even when it comes time to sell naming rights.  Then there are increased sales of merchandise like jerseys and souvenirs…”

“Hey, smart guy,” interrupted Jeff.  “Maybe if you’d actually studied the game instead of just reading books you’d know that the 2017 Detroit Tigers had a $217 million payroll and finished dead last.  So do you wanna tell me again about how spending equals certain success?  I don’t even have a college degree and I know that!”

“Now calm down, Jeff,” admonishes Fred.  “You don’t want to give this guy the wrong impression about us like you did with the others we interviewed already.”

“You’re right, Dad,” says Jeff.  “OK, let me ask you this question.  Is it better to make a dollar or to save a dollar?”

“Sir, that’s a trick question.  You see, to make a dollar there’s a cost associated with doing so.  You have to subtract that cost from the dollar and you get pennies.  However, if you figure out a way to save a dollar, you get the whole dollar.”

Jeff and Fred break out simultaneously into broad smiles.  Fred leans forward, playfully punches him on the shoulder and says, “That’s more like it, boy.  Tell me, have you studied our roster?  We do need to rethink who we have suiting up for us.  How would you go about correcting some of the blunders Jeff, er, Sandy made?”

“Well, Fred, there are indeed some contracts that are hamstringing your flexibility.  Hopefully the David Wright situation is resolved once and for all next week.  Then you have Yoenis Cespedes getting paid not to play.  I think we need to find a doctor who can substantiate that his heel issue is the result of excessive golf and as such the club shouldn’t be on the hook for the remainder of his salary.”

“That’s absolutely brilliant,” exclaims Jeff.  “Maybe I underestimated you.”

“Then there’s Jason Vargas.  Now stay with me on this one but maybe what we need to do is send him on a winter’s vacation overseas. Buy him the ticket, the hotel, the whole nine yards. I’m thinking perhaps to Japan’s Mount Fuji, maybe to Aokigahara.  Some people call that the ‘Suicide Forest’.  Then let nature take its course.  If he’s not here to pitch then you’re out from under the rest of his contract.  Maybe he can take Anthony Swarzak with him for company.”

“That’s the kind of outside-the-box thinking this club’s been needing,” says Fred.

“Now Juan Lagares is another problem.  He’s going to earn $9.5 million next year and likely will play in less than ¼ of the team’s games.  That’s a toughie.  Then there’s Jay Bruce who wouldn’t get you a bucket of balls after his 2018 season.  But if you parlay the almost-certain Cy Young Award winning pitcher Jacob deGrom along with the catch that they have to take both Lagares and Bruce, too, then you can get out from under some of that payroll obligation.  Then you can slot minimum wage Dom Smith in LF, Brandon Nimmo in CF and Michael Conforto in RF.  Together they’ll earn around just $2 million.”

Salivating, Jeff says, “Keep going.  This is getting real good.”

“Then you can slot in minimum wage Pete Alonso alongside minimum wage Jeff McNeil and minimum wage Amed Rosario.  Market the hell out of ‘going younger and more athletic'.”

Fred says, “But what about the Toddfather?  He’s making real money at 3B.” 

“Do the same deal there as you did with deGrom.  Go to another club and say, ‘You want Zack Wheeler or Noah Syndergaard?  You’re gonna have to take Frazier, too.’  Then you grab their best 3B or catching prospect.  Non tender Mr. Glass d’Arnaud.  Non-tender the arthritic Wilmer Flores and give his spot to minimum wage T.J. Rivera.  You will have achieved an almost full lineup working at minimum wage.”

Jeff wipes the drool off his chin and asks, “Have you got any other great cost-saving ideas like this?”

“Sure, what about ‘Dollar Beer Night’ and then changing the bathrooms over to pay toilets.  We can probably even get an app set up to take payment from your phone.  We'll use an algorithm just like Uber and drive up the price of the toilets the longer the line gets.  And why are you chartering buses and planes to go places like Philly, Washington, the Bronx or Boston?  Aren’t there commercial trains and subways that are much cheaper and run regularly?  Again, market the hell out of the team being a bunch of regular Joes, not spoiled millionaires.”

“I can’t believe how much I initially misjudged you,” says Jeff.  “Is there anything you would need personally to make you happy?”

“Yes, I think you need to start buying Chapstick in bulk at Costco or Sam’s Club.  That way when you send me your offer it won’t chafe so much when I tell you to kiss my ass.”