Paul Articulates – Enough of this bull!

There’s plenty of evidence that this world is coming unglued, but if you haven’t noticed here is some more proof.  PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) has called for MLB to change term “bullpen” to “arm barn” to be sensitive to cows.  Sensitive to cows?!   We can’t even keep Mets fans happy, let alone cows!  

How does PETA know that cows resent the term “bullpen”?  Was there a walkout at the dairy?  Did their “MOOd” change?  Was this another Colin Cowherd rant?

I am more of a baseball traditionalist.  I don’t want the base runner on second in the 10^th inning (hope that’s in the next CBA), I hate the “shift”, and I think starters can throw 8 innings/110 pitches without hurting their arm.  Changing the “bullpen” to the “arm barn” would put me right over the edge!

The timing of this announcement is also mistaken.  The Cleveland fans have grudgingly accepted the name change to “Guardians”, but not every MLB team has reached a 21^st century level of cultural sensitivity yet.  Who is going to worry about the feelings of cows when there are 43,124 Georgians doing the “Tomahawk Chop” in unison?! 

OK, I have vented enough.  I don’t want to be negative, as Mets fans already are pretty depressed – a lost season of promise, division rivals in the World Series, and months of being denied the pleasure of watching Jacob deGrom dominate opposing hitters.  

So let’s jump on this bandwagon and propose some other changes for the sake of sensitivity – here is my top 10 count-down, and I’ll expect more in the comments section:

Number 10: A “pickle” is insensitive to cucumbers – from here forward use the term “run down”.

Number 9: A “southpaw” is directionally insensitive.  “Lefty” is just fine.

Number 8: It is time to straighten out those who would call a curveball “Uncle Charlie”.  Let’s use the gender-neutral term, “Cousin Casey”.

Number 7: “Slurve” doesn’t work – slurs are outlawed.  Pick one – “Slider” or “Curve”.

Number 6: Did you say he “Jacked” that home run?  What about Jill?  Stick with “hammered”, fans!

Number 5: “Golden Sombrero” offends our neighbors across the border, so now when a batter strikes out four times in a game, let’s just boo!  (Sorry Javy and Francisco – we feel your pain).

Number 4: Cutoff man – nope!  Daisy Duke owns the patent rights here.  Now it’s a “relay man”.  Can we still use the word “man”?

Number 3: A “seeing eye hit” is outlawed by the American civil disability act.  Let’s use “fortuitous flare”.

Number 2: Fireman is a sexist term for a reliever that also discriminates against other first responders – when the pitcher comes in from the “arm barn”, please use the term “Crisis Mitigation Specialist”, or “CMS”.

Number 1: Calling a stadium a “bandbox” is insensitive to musicians – from here forward we will call all tiny ballparks “Citizen’s Bank Park”.