Happy New Year

These are not New Year’s Resolutions.

They are stone cold locked events that are etched into history.

In very specific order:

February 20^th – Pitchers and Catchers report to Port St. Lucie. Pitching prospect Brant Rustich returns after successful surgery that gives him additional feeling in his pitching hand. Unfortunately, he trips on Adam Rubin’s briefcase that was left at the entrance to the minor league complex and he falls balls first into Kevin Kiernan. Kiernan is fine, but Rustich loses permanent feeling in his penis.

February 23^rd – Position players report to camp. A 100% healthy Daniel Murphy and Reese Havens run into each other in the parking lot, causing each to break a hip. Representatives for both players decide to purchase them an apartment close to the St. Lucie complex, but both players are further injured when movers drop a couch on their feet. Eventually, both become bubble boys and are never heard of again.

February 27^th – The Mets have their first full workout. Recently signed Ruben Gotay is taken from the field unconscious after running into a wall. Mets officials are perplexed since he was supposed to be playing second base. The workout continues when Gotay is replaced by the other recent Mets signing, Julio Franco.

March 5^th – The Mets play the Washington Nationals in their first 2012 home spring training game. Johan Santana lasts three pitches, the third of which dribbled halfway to catcher Mike Nickeas. It is later diagnosed that Santana’s pitching arm turned to Boar’s Head Bologna somewhere between the second pitch and last attempt. The Mets immediately release Johan, who killed his Twitter account after a last post of:  “lo que estaba pensando?”

April 3^rd – The Mets break camp with their 25-man squad. Rotationally, they stack up with Mike Pelfrey, Jon Niese, R.A. Dickey, Dillon Gee, and newcomer, Dylan Owen. Manager Terry Collins named Justin Turner the starting second baseman, while Vinnie Rottino will play centerfield.  Alan Dykstra was named as the 25^th man, replacing the injured Ike Davis, who ran into David Wright again. Finally, the team broke camp without naming a closer. Manager Collins said it wasn’t a critical issue since he didn’t expect the team to be in a closer situation for a “couple of weeks”.

April 26^th – The Mets are swept by the Marlins, 11-3, cementing their last place position for the remainder of the season. Fans were already turning on the team, falling behind an “On The Black” live podcast in the rotunda. Security guards attempted to break it up before it went live, but host Kerel Cooper was ready and waiting for them. A spokesperson from Mt. Sinai said later that night that Cooper was resting quietly after surgery to remove Mr. Met’s shoe from his ass.

May 15^th – The Wilpon family makes a last ditch effort to save their majority ownership position by announcing that they have sold the SNY Network to Rupert Murdoch. The sale never goes through because Cablevision had an option which the Mets simply forgot about. The press has a field day with this, but SNY cancels The Loud Mouths and MetsBlog choses to promote a story from “The Mets Police” instead.

 June 30^th - http://metstradamusblog.com/ John Coppinger and http://www.readtheapple.com/ Randy Medina stage a Mets Joke Off on the Shea Bridge. A tie is ruled by Mets VP of Media Jay Horowitz when he arrives with team security to break up the mob before it spills out into the tennis courts.

July 9^th – David Wright, who led all NL third basemen with a .313 batting average, is traded the night before the all-star game he is supposed to start in. The problem is that he was signed-and-traded to the Boston Red Sox, an American League team. Commissioner Bud Selig decides to allow Wright to play for the league that voted him a starter. Wright goes 2-3 and leaves the game to a standing ovation that lasted eight minutes.

July 10^th – 3B Will Middlebrook replaced David Wright on the 25-man Mets roster, while catcher Blake Swihart was assigned to St. Lucie and SP Anthony Renaudo opened at Binghamton. Renaudo took the rotational slot vacated by Matt Harvey, who was shipped out to Buffalo the same day.

August 11^th – Fred Wilpon releases a curt statement that the New York Mets have been sold to Cameron and Tyler Winklevoss.  The twins immediately cancel all association with Facebook and retire all debt involving the team. SNY is spun to Cablevision, and all SNY executives and on-air personalities are fired. Matt Himelfarb replaces Jay Horowitz as head of media, and Keith Olberman, the recently fired Wally Backman, and Cenk Uygur (The Young Turks) are named as the new radio and television play-by-play announcers.

September 1^st – The Mets decide to open up their rosters to the future of this team and play them for the remainder of the season. Ike Davis, Reese Havens, Ruben Tejada and Will Middlebrook make up the infield while Juan Centeno takes over the catching duties. Matt den Dekker, Lucas Duda, and Cesar Puello man the outfield while the September rotation consists of Matt Harvey, Jeurys Familia, Jenrry Mejia, Jon Niese, and Chris Young. The team wins the most games of any month all season.