It’s the year 3021, and a young girl comes across “The Musings and Prophecies of Metstradamus” on the milky way web. She asks her parents more about this prophet. So they told her a story:

Metstradamus lived in the north of Rego Park a long long time ago. He was a great man. He was blessed with a great family, a wonderful wife, and many friends. He was a godly and a good man, and he bought Ty Wigginton jerseys for the poor. He was the most upright and honorable of Mets fans, and every day he praised Steve Cohen.

But one day, Jeff Wilpon went up to the corporate office and talked to Cohen. And Cohen said to Jeffy “Have you seen Metstradamus? He is a great man, and he praises me every day, on Twitter. And Jeffy said “Oh yeah? Well he only praises you because you gave him so much. If you didn’t give him those things he would curse your name, like he curses mine.” To which Cohen said “Get the f**k out of my office.”

So Jeffy sent Ray Ramirez in to take away Jose Ramirez. And strained Carlos Carrasco’s hamstring. He sprained Dellin Betances’ shoulder, and had J.D. Davis hit with a pitch. Metstradamus was very upset. But he fell to his knees and said “at least the Wilpons are gone”, and praised Cohen’s name.

So then Brandon Nimmo had a sore finger which turned into a debilitating nerve injury, and Michael Conforto and Jeff McNeil strained their hamstrings on the same day. Luis Guillorme’s oblique exploaded all of a sudden. Albert Almora Jr. ran into a wall, and he was gone too. With the Mets needing pitching, Ramirez took away Tommy Hunter and Jordan Yamamoto with shoulder and back injuries, while Taijuan Walker had to miss some time. But Metstradamus kept his faith.

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