With so much focus on off-the-field actions by various pro
athletes, the Mets took the bold and refreshing step to today to announce a
telethon to raise funds to improve the on-the-field product by increasing
payroll. Newly extended GM Sandy
Alderson was quoted as saying, “I told Fred Wilpon that if we’re going to
behave like the Kansas City Royals then damn it, we should be able to spend like
the Kansas City Royals.”
Towards that end, the Mets have announced a number of new
initiatives to bring more revenues into their empty coffers. The first (and arguably the most
controversial) was the sale of billboard advertising space on the players’
jerseys. Unlike the stadium itself which
sold exclusive naming rights to the highest bidder, instead each individual
players’ shirt is up for grabs. Said
Alderson, “Now we’re adding a new wrinkle to the jersey (wink, wink). Not only will sponsors be tripping over one
another to get the Matt Harveys and David Wrights of the team, but it will also
make our team more palatable to free agents whose jersey revenue can help fund
their contracts.”
To buttress this fledgling effort, the Mets have opened up a
fan friendly contest to make suggestions for who should sponsor whom. Already taken are Krazy Glue for Terry
Collins’ tendency to keep rookies firmly planted on the bench after being
rewarded with a promotion based upon their hot hitting in AAA. Also gone is Hunter Fan company, though it’s
still in negotiation whether it will go on the back of Matt Harvey’s jersey,
Jacob de Grom’s jersey or Curtis Granderson’s jersey. Jenrry Mejia will wear the Popeil Pocket
Fisherman logo on his shirt, while 7-11 bought the rights to Bartolo Colon with
a special “Big Gulp” insignia.
The team also visited the set of reality TV show Shark Tank to
get some folks interested in producing some new promotional items for sale at the
stadium. In the manner of the K Korner
where people would drape the letter K when the pitcher fanned the opposing
hitter, they’re now selling an orange and blue dunce cap which fans are
encouraged to wear when, for example, Daniel Murphy makes a baserunning blunder
or Terry Collins, well, is Terry Collins.
The other product that emerged from these sessions was an
homage to the increasingly popular bobblehead promotions. The new “Bubblehead Deals” promotion is
being billed as, “All the Contracts You Can Eat” and include the likenesses of
Oliver Perez, Luis Castillo, Jason Bay, Chris Young, Jose Valverde, Kyle
Farnsworth, Bobby Bonilla and others posed while doing such things sunning
themselves on the beach, playing golf, dating models and enjoying champagne
while cashing Mets’ checks.
In the interest of generating revenue on the road the team
is already planning a special series of bake sales, but they’re restricted to
games played against the Rockies and the Mariners. Rumor has it the special brownies sold will
include The Wright Stuff, Dude’s Doobies and Hung Jeury’s.
Finally, Sandy Alderson announced a shrewd new plan to make
the ballpark a more affordable family destination. He’s teamed up with the New York City Police
Department in the same way private enterprises have provided red light cameras
and share the revenue generated with the local municipality. Starting with the 2015 season the Mets will
lower the price of beer to $3.00 per serving, less than the price of a cup of
premium coffee. While this move would seem counterintuitive to
the goal of raising revenue, it’s not only about increased volume. There is, of course, the revenue sharing that
will take place for the DUI tickets given out as people depart the ballpark. Said Alderson, “We’re all about safety. We want the fans coming back to enjoy another
game with us. If they overindulge, then
we’re glad to see New York’s finest keep them off the road. Ka-Ching!”
The true creativity in this plan, however, is the retro
throwback approach to installing pay toilets at the ballpark. With all of that inexpensive beer, there will
be a number of extra dollars generated each time a patron needs to use the rest
room. Alderson boasted, “We take Visa,
Mastercard, Discover, American Express and you can even sign up for a special
Mets Dash card!”
Finally there’s the eBay style auction for the bullpen
arm-burning selection. Telethon callers
can pledge various donation amounts and the highest bidder gets to name the
next relief pitcher for Terry Collins to use until his pitching arm remains
attached by true grit and the uniform sleeve itself. There’s even a before and after photo op
where the lucky winner can take a selfie with the reliever he or she selects
while he’s still fresh-faced and energetic.
Then towards August or thereabouts the winner can take another selfie to
see the now haggard, wizened and dead-armed shell he’s become. This one has millions of dollars written all
over it.
Come on, phone lines are now open.
9 comments:
How about if they just advertise Citi-Field as a international food court with a freak show down below?
Let's just hope that Kaplan doesn't write this stuff while he's on the job defending the El Paso border...
Cool stuff, Reese - a few more ideas:
How about raffles for $10 each. "Guess the player who hits the ball onto the warning track and it gets caught, you win!" You get a double bonus if the bases are loaded and if it would have gone out of the park with shorter fences, and if it would have been a game-winner.
How about instead of bobble head dolls, you have bobble ball dolls, where, say, Tejada drops the ball, picks it up, head swivels around, and shoulders shrug...then it does it again and again. Only $1995...not $19.95, $1995.
Or sell a Grandy Fan that works like a regular room fan, just keeps swinging and missing?
Maybe a new parking charge - you pay $20 to park - but if you want to leave in your car later, another $20.
Fans could pay to have relievers sit with them in the stands until they need to warm up. Most times, the fans would then have that reliever's company until the 6th inning. If they get the reliever to stay the whole 9 innings, it costs double - but the fans never have to pay that.
If the game goes extra innings, everyone has to leave and then buy a new ticket to see the rest - even season ticket holders.
The scary thing is I could actually see them adopting some of our ideas...but if it paid for better players, then count me in. I don't go to the games anyway. It's hell getting there from El Paso. :)
They're willing to fly you in from El Paso to a game, Reese - just be willing to pay double as part of their fundraising effort!
This is a silly and inane post that lacks even a small chuckle of humor.
Anon Joe F
Chuckle chuckle........chuckle
Hey Reese,
Are they taking advance orders ? I could use a pound of The Wright Stuff!
So could its namesake...he's got some long boring days ahead of him while rehabbing.
Post a Comment